Jokes

I don’t know why it hurts when we bite our tongue mistakenly.
But it didn’t hurt when we bite it intentionally.
And I still don’t understand why you are biting your tongue now.

THE BIGGEST LIE
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” Said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

1) I woke up
2) I went to school
3) I saw her
4) I ran to her, and I hugged her
5) I kissed her
Actually, the right order is 3, 4, 5, 1, 2

If a paper comes very tough in exam,
Just close your eyes for a moment,
Take a deep breath and say loudly,
“This is a very interesting subject; I want to study it again”.

My mom told me to
Turn down the volume of music on my computer
Or else
She would smash my head on the keyboard.
But I didn’t believejhyteqfgouy i77uufsrhg.

I asked why Wall of China is the wonder of the world!
Answer:
It’s the only thing made in China that lasted years.

The legal age for voting is 18 years and the legal age for marriage is 21 years.
Which means you need more experience to handle a girl than a country.

Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks – but half the pages are missing. What’s the matter? Isn’t half a million enough for you?

I spend money as if I had it.
- Mike Todd

A BLONDE & HER TWO COATS
PreviousNextWhile her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.

After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.

She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, "Why are you wearing two coats?

She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"

A BLONDE'S BRAIN AT WORK
PreviousNextA blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

A BLONDE'S SPECIAL PICTURE
Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?

A: So she could use it as a mirror.

A LITTLE VOICE
PreviousNextA man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''how weird.''

A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders.

As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her. ''What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes?''

The blonde looked up at the man and said, ''Well, you see, there's this little voice in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out here to check, I don't have any.''

AFTER YOU
PreviousNext'"Have you heard my knock-knock joke?" asked the blonde.

"No," said the brunette.

"Okay," said the blonde. "You start."

BLONDE COUNTING
Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?

A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it.

A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”

Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.

What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table? I thought you were a cheetah.

What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years, the dog quits whining.

Husband Comes Home After Gambling
I came home from the pub four hours late last night.

“Where the fuck have you been?” screamed my wife.

 
 
I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”

“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”

“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”

Peter: "Hi John, what are you doing?"
John: "Not much, writing a Valentine's Day greeting card."
Peter:"Why are you writing it with your left hand? Are you left-handed?"
John: "No, I just can't let my right hand to see it. It's a surprise for it."

My best friend ran away with my wife. I really miss him.
- Henny Youngman

One woman says to her friend:
I hope he likes me. Do you think he will call? Maybe I came on too strong.
Relax. If a recruiter wants you he will call you.

A man placed an advertisement «Wife wanted». The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying «You can have mine».

Charles  shouted upstairs to his wife,» Hurry up or we’ll be late.» «Oh, be quiet,» replied his wife. «Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?»

With this miniskirt I will not let you take a piece on the street, my child!

Child: Oh mom, why not ?! Look, I have such pretty legs.

Mother: Your bag is hanging out below.

A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach. "What did you eat for dinner last night?" asked the doctor. "Oysters," she said. "Fresh oysters?" asked the doctor. "How should I know?" said the lady "Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?" "My Gosh," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

 — I have good news and bad news, the defense lawyer says to his client.

— «What’s the bad news?»

— Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.

— Dammit!» cries the client. What’s the good news?

— Well,» the lawyer says, «Your cholesterol is down to 140.

The husband to his wife: We won the lottery. I already have big plans to win. What should we buy everything?

Woman: To be honest Peter, I would like to take my half and leave you.

The man: Oh, ok! We won 30 euros. Here you have your 15 Euro!

Man walks into a bar and says "ouch"

think about it.

In the pharmacy:
-Girl, please give pills for weight loss.
-Women, I sold you 10 packs 5 minutes ago!
- I'm Still Hungry...

- I forgot to turn off the iron at home! - And what, you now all burn out? - No, damn, everything will be stroked!

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Poster in the fitness club: - If you suddenly do not like it, we will refund all calories burnt to you.

To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat. "I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" "You'll be fatter than that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, but do you know me?" And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've been doing..."

Woman tell their friend: - I hate my husband's friends very much. They must all get married!

A young girl once asked Mark Twain if he liked books for Christmas gifts.
«Well, that depends, — answered the great humorist, — if a book has a leather cover, it is really valuable as a razor strop. If it is a brief, concise work, such as the French write, it is useful to put under the short leg of a wabbly table. A large book, like a geography, is good to nail over a broken pane of glass.»

A modest man in a restaurant in Odessa timidly touched the hand of a man wearing a coat:
"Excuse me," he said. Are you by any chance no Rabinovich?
- No! snorted one.
- You see, the fact is that I'm Rabinovich, and now you are putting on my coat!

Taking a walk in a park a colonel of a rather gloomy disposition saw a lieutenant of his regiment in civilian clothes with a young lady. Having noticed the colonel from a distance, the lieutenant hid himself behind a tree.
The next day the colonel asked:
— Why did I see you yesterday evening in the park in civilian clothes?
— Because the tree was not thick enough, Sir, — answered the lieutenant.

- Leave the hope, everyone, here entering
- I'm sorry, what?
- I say welcome to the free polyclinic.

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

        Math, Physics, & Philosophy
Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper." 

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

In a woman there must be a small mystery. But not a crossword puzzle! And do not rebus on 2 sheets!

Isaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen who were ordered to take a Caribbean cruise by their doctors. The second night out on the way to Martinique they were leaning against the rail, looking at the big bright tropical moon on the sea, really starting to unwind. Suddenly the rail broke and both Jews fell screaming into the ocean. They came up gasping and spluttering and saw the ship sailing away from them into the darkness. As Isaac had fallen overboard he had managed to grab a life preserver, and now he clung to it, desperately treading water. "Hyman!" he called out, "Hyman, can you float alone?"

"Oy vay!" called out Hymie from the dark waters. "Vat a time to talk business!"

This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everbody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Sad news of the World Cup for the Russian national football team: Stadiums building finished ... you still have to play ...