Jokes

There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

Three tomoatoes walking down the road,mama papa and baby, baby keeps dragging behind. Mama frustrated , steps on baby tomoatoe squishing her, and says ... Ketchup!

The girl and the boy are talking. The girl says,"You could be an excellent dancer except for two things." The boy asks, «And what are they?» The girl answers,"Your feet." 

A duck walks into a shop and asks the manager:
-Got any fresh fruit?
-No.
-Got any fresh vegetables?
-No.We have only dry goods.

The next day the duck returns:
-Got any fresh fruit?
-No.
-Got any fresh vegatables?
-No.I told you yesterday,we have only dry goods.If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question,I will feed you with nails!
On 3rd day the duck walks in and asks:
-Got any nails?
-No.
-Got any fresh fruit?   

- Why is Peter Pan always flying?

- Because he neverlands

Chuck Norris is so fast...

He can answer a "Missed Call"

Popeye ate spinach – Chuck Norris ate Popeye

What's the best way to catch a bear?

You dig a deep hole, line the bottom with ashes and put peas around it...

Then... When the bear comes to have a pea you kick him in the ash hole.

The Perfect Son.

 
A: I have the perfect son. 
B: Does he smoke? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: Does he drink whiskey? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: Does he ever come home late? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? 
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit.

    The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop.

    The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the dance.

    There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table,

And there is no punch line. 

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the Rhino.

So an American, Russian and (insert country with stupid people) are all sitting around in a bar.  The Russian says we were the first to put a man in space. The American say yeah but we were the first to the moon.  The third guy says thats great and all but soon enough my countrymen will be the first on the sun.  The other two men look astonished and ask how this could be.  The third responds I'll give you a hint we are going to go at night. 

The navy for this third country is known to have screen doors on there submarines as well.