Jokes

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

Why does the beekeeper, when he collects honey, dress on the head a net?
"If his bees learn later, he's dead !"

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”

***

How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?

The blind start reading your face.

A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach. "What did you eat for dinner last night?" asked the doctor. "Oysters," she said. "Fresh oysters?" asked the doctor. "How should I know?" said the lady "Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?" "My Gosh," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

A young man is looking for a wife, girlfriend, companion and mistress in one person. If all four come, I do not mind!

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

After the World Hockey Championship, the Americans were surprised to learn that Switzerland and Sweden are different countries.

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs." "But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
 

Lifehack: If you will postpone every month a little, then in a year you will be surprised how little you have accumulated ...

I do not drive a car, do not take antibiotics and generally do my best so that there is no reason to refuse alcohol.

Hi sweetie! How was school today?
— You can read all about it on my facebook, dad!

A man placed an advertisement «Wife wanted». The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying «You can have mine».

In the newspaper I read the rubric "Useful advice". It is written: "You can freeze the remains of wine." Yes, my God, what are the remnants? What kind of useless advice?

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY" So what ? Who's in a hurry ?

Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The first drunk repies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says "Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"

- My wife and I met in a nightclub ...
- Oh, how romantic!
- Why is it more romantic? I thought she was at home with the children.

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

- I try to download the book from the Internetr all day, but I get links to prostitutes all the time.

- Maybe they have this book ?

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked. Mongo replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him." "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Mongo shot back, "That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat!'

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things...
1 -The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 -The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 -I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 -The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 -The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A man walks into a bar & says to the bartender "I'd like a glass of H20", so the bartender gives him it and he drinks it.
His friend walks in behind him & says "I'd like a glass of H2O too", so the bartender gives him it, then he drinks it and dies.

How can you tell the difference between a Finnish introvert and a Finnish extrovert?
When he's talking to you a Finnish introvert looks at his feet. A Finnish extrovert looks at yours.

Finnish weather explained
+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
Finns are out getting a tan.
+10°C / 50°F
The Portuguese shiver violently.
Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
Finns are cruising in cabriolets.
0°C / 32°F
Water freezes.
The water in Vantaanjoki (river in Helsinki) gets a little thicker.
-5°C / 23°F
Californians prepare for the Apocalypse.
Finns have a final barbecue before winter.
-10°C / 14°F
Brexit campaigners propose moving the actual country south.
Finns think about using long sleeves.
-20°C / -4°F
Aussies lose the power of speech.
Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.
-30°C / -22°F
Greeks die.
Finns start drying laundry indoors.
-40°C / -40°F
Paris is cracking apart.
Finns eat ice creams in the line at hamburger kiosks.
-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears evacuate the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones winter survival training awaiting 'real' winter weather.
-60°C / -76°F
Russian hitchhikers use pictures of thumbs instead of thumbs.
The Finnish army begins winter survival training.
-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes die.
Finnish cows make ice cream, and complain the farmers' hands are cold.
-273°C / -459.4°F
All other atomic motion stops.
Finns say "Perkele, it's cold outside today."
-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over; Satan skates to work.
Finland announces a tax cut.

• Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do? 
  -
  Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
 
And more importantly, where is my hamster?

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
 
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
 
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!”

"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"

"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"

Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” 

Man: “I had to get to work.”
 
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!

Mom, do you know that most of my friends got the new iPhone already?
-
Son, do you know the foster home down by the crossroads?

At a psychiatric ward: “Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6? He believes he’s a wolf.” 
-
Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let his grandmother visit!”

“I want to be an astronaut!”
-
“I thought they didn’t send monkeys to space anymore?”
-
“Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then!”I did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now. 

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I give up. I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”

Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!
-
Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?
- 
Bishop: It is the 16th, thouth.

Three men are riding on a motorcycle. They pass a police patrol. The policeman shouts after them: “Police! Stop your vehicle now!” But they just continue driving past. The last man turns around and yells: „Sorry dude! We can’t take you on, we’re already one too many!

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage

A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

Wife: "How would you describe me?" 
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." 
Wife: "What does that mean?" 
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." 
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" 
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Q: Is Google male or female? 
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?" 
Boyfriend: "You're both." 
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?" 
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring." 
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?" 
Student: "A heart attack."

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.

A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!