Jokes

LOL

That's funny lefty..I am going to find some good ones..


:-*

A Home Depot Story!
> >
> > Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was
> > missing.
> > He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
> >
> > Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a
> > customer,
> >
> > her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
> > When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
> >
> > The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
> >
> > Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's
> > certainly out of my price bracket."
> >
> > She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
> >
> > The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to
> > get one.
> >
> > From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the
> > hinge?"
> >
> > Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the
> > faucet."

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.



"Actually, no," he replied.


"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.



"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender..... "Is there anything I can do?"



"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.



"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.



"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."



:-*

EEWW!!

A 7 year old girl approached her Dad and asked, " Daddy, what's sex?"

The Dad was taken back by his daughter's question, but figured it was time to have the birds and the bees talk with her. When he was done explaining sex to his daughter, the little girl just stood there with her jaw open, and not blinking. Dad said, "Honey, is there something wrong?"

The little girl replied, "Well, I don't understand. Mom said that dinner will be ready in a few secs."

.
A man hated his wife’s cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, “Jen is the cat there?” “Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, “Put that cat on the phone, I’m lost and I need directions.”

shirlsplay I don't think that is a true story! We all know that men never ask for directions!!!

Very funny! And it could be true, I've seen stranger things happening

That cracked me up! Makes me wonder too if cats have the reputation like dogs to find their way home from miles away.

Lips

Lmao!

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know $hit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)


Be afraid of old ladies!
Be very afraid!
They have been there and
done everything!

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade, and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks
he would give the boy a test. If Harry failed to answer any of his questions, Harry was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.

Harry was brought in, and the conditions were explained to him. Harry agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went, with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink, then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide, and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.'
_________________!

..

LOL Good one shirlsplay.

Hmmm..I know how they made the gloves, now I am going to bed thinking of a giant wheel of dildos rotating through latex....Thanks in advance for the nightmare!!

Loooooool, this is the best laugh I had in days! Thanks a million for this one!

This may be why I am scared to ever get married

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

Haha nice 1

Nice one Leavefall!

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

The blond boyfriend will take you to the movies. Above the entrance to the cinema billboard proclaims the following:
Two hours of fun! Two hours shudder! Two hours of entertainment! Two hours of real fun!
By the time the blonde:
- Are you crazy? Brought me here? Do you really think that I'm sitting for eight hours in the cinema!

Guy walks up to the gym coaches:

- Which machine should I use to be able to take it to the blonde chick?
- The ATM at the entrance!

- Excuse me, can you tell which one is the other side?
- In contrast there.
- Well, now I really go crazy from there it sent here!

The aggressive little pig sitting on a pine tree.

We go to Fox and asked him: - What are you doing here, little pig?

- Cherries eat.

- But it's a pine tree!

- Shut up! I brought with me! 

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

The blonde woman reads the heat of a quarrel friend:
- You sure you vacuum your mind!
She thinks a bit, then sarcastically replies:
- Ha, it's still better than nothing would be it!

When is the longer way always better than the shorter one?

When you're a taxi driver.

Oh my god! Never have I seen such an error message ... Someone has seen? 

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?" “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!" “Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."

Only slightly saucy, but I rather iked this Xmas joke

Three men coincidentally met their maker on Christmas Eve, by happenstance, dying in their loved ones' arms (it was a nice way to go)..
They all found themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they were instructed to present something relating to Christmas. The first patted down the shirt he was still wearing in bed and found some mistletoe he had pinned to his lapel so he was allowed in.

The second man patted down the pants he was wearing and found a sprig of holly, so he was also allowed in.

The third man was buck naked but recalled he still had something clutched in hand and opened his fist to present a pair of crumpled-up panties.

.St Peter looked at him quizically and asked, ‘Er, how exactly do these represent Christmas?’

The man answered ‘They’re Carol’s.’

My wife suffers from a drinking problem

Oh is she an alcoholic?

No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers

-How can you tell if a poker player is bluffing?
-His chips are moving

Children

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up

My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.

What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?

They’re both red except for the green one

Difference between a beautiful night and a horror night.
Beautiful night is,
When you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is,
When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.

What is love?
Love is our 7th sense that destroys all 6 sense
And makes the person nonsense.

Those who are single, Let’s sing this song together:
Single bells
Single bells
Single all the way
Oh what fun it is to watch
those couples fight all day. Yay…

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

My Girlfriend broke up with me.
She thinks that I am childish.
So I calmed down, took a deep breath, went to her house, rang the doorbell and ran away.

Today was my first day entering a court.
The judge shouted “Order, Order!!”
I was so excited,
So I shouted back “fried rice with chicken, five bottles of beer and a chilled glass of special ice mineral water.”
I am now locked up in a dark room.
I am sure they will bring my order soon.