Jokes

LMAO.. oh the visual.. but i'll stick to mine lmaooooo

The ONE dirty joke i know i'll tell..

This truck driver was driving down the road in an old town, he saw a sign that read.. "FREE CHICKENS".. he was curious, stopped and inquired about them.
The farmer told him he can have all these chickens if he agreed to take this parrot, he thought, wow no problem i'll take them and the parrot too, loaded them up and was on his way happy about his deal.
As he was driving he saw a female hitch-hiker, picked her up, as he was driving wanted a "sexual favor" she declined, he pulled over, kicked her out the truck and exclaimed, "No F**K No Ride"
Not to long later there was another, picked her up and the same thing happened, kicked her out his truck with "No F**K No Ride".. a few others he picked up, finally finding one that agreed to his favor..
He pulled up to an alley, was about to get it, when suddenly there was a knock on his window, a police officer it was, the truck driver asked "whats the problem officer?" without a worry on his face he is says "have i done something wrong?"
The officer tells him, no it ain't you son, its your Parot, for miles he's been kickin chickens off the back of your truck saying "No F**K, No Ride RAAWWWK"

LMAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..... ahahahahahaaaaa

I love that one 13. Not heard it before.

(you forgot to ** one of your f***s)  so I had to amend it.

blue

I love these jokes!

Oh my goodness thats a good one lips!

As of JAN. 2010 Viagra will be prescribed by its chemical name: MYCOXAFLOPIN
Got this one in a text message!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


I do beleive Blondes have more fun!!!!

I'd paint the rich mans ferrari too, gonna pay me 50 bucks to paint a porch that goes all the way around the house...  >:(

Teach him to mess with Blondes


LMAO Lips...... the visual on that...

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

lol - surely this is for real Pam.  heh heh

Here's another joke I found this morning:

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

Here's a good 1 that my mom told me a couple of weeks ago.  What do u get when u cross 50 female pigs with 50 male deer? 100 sows & (thousand) bucks. I thought it was a cute joke.

A woman gets on the bus with her baby, and the driver tells her straight away :

WOW, thats the UGLIEST baby i have EVER seen!

0.0



the woman is shocked, walks to the back of the bus numbed, and as she realizes this is not to be taken without  a fight,

says to  a man sitting  there:

THAT BUSDRIVER JUST INSULTED  ME LIKE NEVER BEFORE!

the man replies:

what!

you go and give him some grease lady!, go on, ill hold your little monkey for you!

:P



the above is my favourite, but there's one more that needs  a little body language



a very obviously homosexual man visits the doctor: (imitate homosexual cliche features while saying) HIIIIIIIII doctor!

i'm sooooo sure there is something stuck in my dearest orifice,hihihi ^^

could you please have  alook?



the doctor replies , ehm sure, please pull down your pants and bend over.

the gay guy obviously used to that remark, does so very quickly..

(i usually make this stronger by doing a girlish wiggling stripping motion, bending over, looking back and saying im reaaaaaaaady for you, in a high pitched voice)

so the doctor pulls on his plastic gloves, inserts a finger  and probes for a bit.

while a little disturbed by the obvious moans of pleasure from his patient,then says, hmm i cant seem to find anything mister.

the guy looks back,saying: OOOOH doc, but im sure its WAAAAAY deeper!

doc frowns, pulls out his little lamp, and while opening the guys anus with two fingers, inspects the hole  a little more, then seeing  a shape of something not yet fuly recognizable.

AH i see something, but its really deep indeed!

gay replies:

OHHH doc, PLEASE go in deeper, i can take it!

so the doctor rolls up his sleeve, JAMS in his whole hand and probes vividly!

the gay guy is screaming extaticly; YEEEEEEEEEEEEEES DOCTOR, THATS IIIIIIT!

the doctor now in arms deep, finally finds the object he saw  and yanks it out!

to his surprise it's a red rose!

the gay guy, obviously gloating from pleasure, pulls up his pants, lights  a cigarette and winks at the doctor >.o

saying: thats for you sweetheart!

LOL Dirk!

                Man walks into a public restroom, stands beside another guy using a urinal. Guy looks over and says, WOW you need to diet. Man looks back and says, why what color is it now!

I was in a Bingo Game, and the chatters were all telling jokes, mostly dirty jokes, i was kind of quiet just sitting there reading them, suddenly i typed in chat okay okay i got one for you....

Why did the gum cross the road? Everyone was stumped... and were finally asking okay, why did the gum cross the road...
I typed with a smile... Because it was stuck on the chickens foot

I had the whole chat dieing of laughter at a joke that is so stupid its FUNNY, there were 4 CM's there and all 4 were laughing, chatters that weren't even chatting were laughing and commenting.. a silly little joke just lived it all up

omg, never would have got it. lol thx lips

Going up to the tee mount on the Par 3 island hole distancing about 170 yards, I asked my caddie which club would I use, 4 iron or 5 iron.

Gauging that the wind will be in front of me, my favorite caddie who knows my golf game comes up with his best suggestion by saying ' better use your old golf balls'  

This man who just happened to be an athiest decides to take a walk in the ds and commune with nature,so he's walking and looking at the beauty of it all,appreciating the beautiful blue sky,the lovely trees and even the sound of a nearby babbling brook and birds singing blissfully,suddenly he hears a grunt and twigs breaking behind him and turns to see a large grizzly bear on his heels,he begins to run frantically and sadly he trips over a rock and falls landing on his back, the grizzly is just about to swipe the athiest when the man yells out "GOD PLEASE HELP ME",suddenly everything stops, the brook stopped gurgling,the wind stopped and he could not hear leaves rustling or birds chirping and also realized that the large Grizzly bear had frozen in its tracks too,its huge paw frozen,before he could absorb what happened,he saw a blinding light appear behind the bears huge body and a booming voice spoke,"All of these years you denied my existance,you swore that I was not real and shunned me", Now you call for my help and I am not sure what I should do with you,WHAT do you think I should do to help you now"?!! The man answered with," Well I know now that I was wrong to say you did not exist and I cant change that and dont want to appear to be a hypocrit, so all I ask is that you make this Bear a Christian" Then God said,"IT IS DONE"!! Suddenly the man was aware of the breeze and the sounds of nature again,and looked up at the large bear and noticed it continued to bring it's huge menacing paw down and bringing it together with its other paw,bowing its head the bear said,"Dear Lord thank you for this food I am about to recieve for the nourishment of my body"!!!

LOL too funny ally...

Wow, I hope I can keep the level of these good ones!

Here is my favourite:

What has four legs and one arm?





Think...








Think...








Think...








Short before conclusion...





A pitbull on a childrens playground.

an Englishman in NY ( no not the song )

he found himself at one of those dangerous hoods... all of a sudden a pimp approaches him and says " You came here to die ? " and the Englishman replies : " No I came here yesterDIE "

:P

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said,

"These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other.

"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'


:-*

LMAO!!

BEING FROM BOSTON, AN AN AVID RED SOX FAN THIS IS THE JOKE GOING AROUND FOR OUR ARCH RIVALS THE NEW YORK YANKEES:

WHAT DO THE NEW YORK YANKEES HAVE IN COMMON WITH A BLIND HOOKER  ????


thinking........

thinking........


EVERYTHING HAS TO BE HANDED TO THEM...........lmao

ahahhaha....


:-*

Whats the worst thing you CAn Do to A bliNd maN??????? 


??

LeaVe ThE pLuNgER in The ToIlEt

His and Hers Road Trip

HERS

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window.

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

4. Arrives at destination presently.



HIS

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

3. Drives an extra five miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window.

5. Hocks a loogie.

6. Pulls up to a 7-Eleven.

7. Gets three hot dogs, a large Slurpee and beef jerky.

8. Asks foreigner behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts, after he closes the door.

11. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-Eleven. 12. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because the pimply 17-year-old 7-Eleven cashier said it was.

13. Almost hits a deer.

14. Curses the night.

15. Curses you.

16. Curses the large Slurpee.

17. Stops by the side of the road.

18 Takes a leak.

19. Still taking a leak.

20. Almost done...I think.

21. Returns to car.

22. Drives and fiddles with radio.

23. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

24. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

25. He hates your sister, ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

26. He had to look up pernicious.

27. Couldn't find a dictionary.

28. Finally found a dictionary.

29. Couldn't spell pernicious.

30. Seethes at the memory of it all.

31. But she is laughing inside.

32. And of course you're still lost.


:-*

Ducks in Heaven:

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doe sn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'


:-*

I tried to clean this up some, Administration please let me know if I crossed any lines.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this den bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to *ick her all over, starting with her boobs and slowly going down . . ."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a h*rd-on and fell
off my perch!"

AHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA

lmao


:-*

                                      Firetruck

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"


The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little
girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"



:-*

Jokes...I love jokes!  My computer is filled with folders of jokes acquired over the years.  

*************************
One of my favorite dirty jokes: 

Staying Fresh

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm, suggesting he wants sex.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again...and asks, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

:o

ahahah


:-*

Blonde paint job


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." 


:-*

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"



ahahha


:-*

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin


A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"



:-*

I just read this on another forum...hahahhah


Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike
up a conversation. The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says,
"So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa,
the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."



The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"



The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But
I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected yellow Lab says.
The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks,
"Why are you here?"



"I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow,
the table, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had
just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn't help
myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"


The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"


The black Lab says ....

"No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."




:-*

A beautiful blonde was sitting  next to this man on a plane. He attempted several times to start a conversation with her but she politely said that she would rather be left alone.

He came up with a game. He said:

I will give you $500.00 if I cant find an answer to your question, and you only have to give me $5.00 if you cant find the answer to my question and I’ll let you go first.

She agreed and asked
What goes up the hill with 4 legs but comes down the hill with only 3 legs?

He thought about it, asked most of the other passengers, no answer, pulled out his laptop and searched the internet and still could not find the answer.

The flight was almost over and he gave in and paid her $500.00.

He had to know the answer, So he asked her:
What goes up the hill with 4 legs but comes down the hill with only 3 legs?
She pulled out her wallet and handed him a $5.00 bill.