Jokes

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.


Sorry if an old one - but very very funny.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the state lottery!"



Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"



The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"



                         

Two guys would always meet at the local gambling den on Sat.

In the 20 years they played, they'd done ok.

One day as they came out of the den, a funeral procession was passing by.

One of the men took off his hat and bowed his head. As they got to their cars, the other one spoke.

"Damn, that was thoughtful John"

John replied "Well, tomorrow we would have been married 18 years"

(Yeah this was a take off of an old golfing joke).

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."

Redhead at the Casino Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES!

I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

OMG......I can't stop laughing....GREAT POST GUYS!!!!

Two friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for his friend.

Jones quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited.

After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins. "Hey, Jones," said Smith, "how'd you do?" "Well, Smith", said Jones, "you see me here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Smith, "did I find a good machine! It's way in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!"

LMAO!
These are great.. haha
Love this thread PMM2008!

  I thought it might be cute, and it is going over well.
I love jokes.

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.




                      UGH....

With gamblers,
              they say a fool and his money are soon parted.
  What I want to know is how did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker tonight” said the friend.

“I’ll be right over” whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious dear?”

“Oh yes, quite serious” said the doctor gravely with his best poker face. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.

Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.

However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"

The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

LOL 

LOL!!! Good one Jim!

hee hee hee hee! Good one!

        Dear John, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you. All my love, Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

(Got to remember I am in Indiana)

Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the Kentuckian. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7," said the Kentuckian. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex. " "Two," said the Kentuckian. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the one Kentuckian said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week."

    This is cute!!!

LOL

LOL

LMAO @ JIMB'S JOKE!!!!!

and PMM2008 those are hilarious!
i love the coffee pot on the roof with a big ol' straw!

Yep, that's the coffee pot I WANT!!!

Good one PM2008

Hiya Tony,


I have not heard a joke that good in a long time!!! I am sooooo glad u posted it!! I always forget jokes....now i will have a source to look back at.

roflmaoooooooo...........cute cute cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lips

Husband and wife get all set for a weekend in Vegas

Room reserved and paid for. same with rental car and plane tickets.

They arrive and have a wild time, but they run low and finally out of cash.

Husband cannot get a dime from ATM, nor cash out tickets or anything.

Suddenly, wife finds in her purse 2 $1 bills. Handing them to her husband, she tells him go ahead and try.

So he hits the roulette table. By Gosh he hits the number he bets on..soon, he's hitting 2 of every three. He's hitting it big!

He finally stops then collects the cash. Just as he leaves, he sees the crap table. On a wild hunch he runs to it and dumps the thousands he'd won on roulette and bets it on one roll of the dice and they come up snake eyes.

Defeated, he returns to the room...

"How'd you do?" The wife asks.

"I lost the $2" he says....

LOL genenco....Really good one....

        I guess I laugh cause that is the way I look at my losses too. 

LMAO @ Tonys Joke... Good One!

Genenco i do that all the time, never disclose the amount
i really lost, just the amount i start with LMAAAOO

isn't that the truth....i see things that way too.....if i start with 100 bucks get 10,000 then lose it all back..........................I ONLY LOST $100!

Boy walks in on his mom and dad making love.
  boy: what are you doin'?
  dad: playing poker ,now get out of here!
boy walks in on his sister and her boyfriend making love.
  boy:  what are you doin'?
  sister: playing poker , now get out of here!
boy walks in on his brother masturbating.
  boy: what are you doin'?
  brother: playing poker
  boy: I thought you needed two to play that game.
  brother: Not if you have a good hand!

"My husband's going to a casino in central Asia."



"Tibet?"



"Of course, why else would he go!"

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single (of course). One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

LAST ONE GUYS.....FOR NOW


A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please."

The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"

The old man says, "No, Arthritis!"



Lips

Michelle Obama walks outside the White House after a snow fallen evening.  As she walk outside she notices that there is something written in the snow....and it is written in URINE!  It reads:  "Nancy Polosi loves Barack Obama."  Greatly disturbed Michelle calls the secret service for an investigation of this horrible outrage!  In a couple of days the head of her security detail gives her the report.  First, the urine is her husband's.  But, there is bad news.  "What could that be?!?"  asks Michelle.  While the urine is Barak's, the handwritting is Nancy's!!!!

How I learned to mind my own business .......
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were outside shouting, "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on...

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting "14...14...14..."







"It's a new year..a new day!"
Renew your personal commitment to "YOU". Renew your dreams. Renew your vision. Life's results are not by chance... but by choice!
Loving you in the spirit...

Dazzling Debra aka Debra825

I guessed it was going to be something like that.  Good one Debra.

blue

Oh that was pretty good. I actually didnt see it coming.  D'oh!!

Thanks Debra, good to see you on the board again.

                                                        PMM

Good to be here, didnt go very far, just had to make some New Year changes.....lol....Happy New Year!  I am gonna post another one if I see a good joke.

LMAO - good one 13.

Never heard that one before.

blue

Well...nothing to say, but ...It's interesting though...

  lmao, i am fifteen

Yeah seen that one - a friend emailed me the link some time ago.  Its a great picture.

blue

An oldie, but goodie

FILLING IN FOR ST. PETER

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."

"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"

"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special !"

With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!!"


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Never trust a dog to watch your food

NINE THINGS I REALLY HATE

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to get up and change the channel manually.

3. People who say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. People who say "it's always the last place you look". Yeah, I tend to stop looking once I've found it.

5. When people watching a film say "did you see that?" Do they think I paid $12 to look at the floor?

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Did they give you a choice?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?

8. When people say "life is short". Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?


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Too many freaks, not enough circuses

GRAMPS “DOING IT?”

Are You Ever Too Old For an Orgy?

Not if today's seniors have anything to say about it. We may embarrass our kids and shock the neighbors, but wrinkly Romeos and sagging seductresses are just carrying on a time-honored tradition.

Have Sex Like You Did 50 Years Ago!

The real pièce de résistance, though, was that first line of defense no mother would let her daughter out without: the dreaded girdle.


Sex After 60 (Probably a very short column)

Of course, many of the younger generation, including our sons and daughters, find it disgusting that Granny and Gramps could still be doing it. "More than you think," says Frank. "Much more!"

"Hey, Cutie Pie. I've Got Viagra!"
A Look at Today's Senior Dating.

Dating, the second time around, has its pitfalls. Senior men seem to believe mature women want nothing more than a warm body who doesn't miss the toilet too often. Senior women claim they're lucky to find a man who can remember where he left his teeth. Learn the ugly truth here.

Sex After Death? Heaven Forbid!

As we slip and slide toward the inevitable, is there a senior among us who hasn't pondered the possibility of hot sex beyond those pearly gates? Eternity is a long time to go without a good roll in the hay.

The Key to Great Sex

What really catches my eye is the dazzling red type across from the photo saying, "Your Penis Shrinks 19.8% as you get older due to deficiency of testosterone!"


Taking It All Off for GeezerCam

With WebCams for everything else, it's time for GeezerCam. The camera could follow my every movement from the times I get up in the middle of the night to pee right through my exciting day until my wife and I shake hands at bedtime. Exciting? You bet!


Looking for Mr. Oldbar

Dozens of sightings of senior citizens engaged in outdoor sexual activities leads to an investigation of "Looking for Love" classified ads for the senior set.


When Wild Oats Turn Into Prunes and All Bran

One minute you're a male sex object, the next, you're a lecherous old fart with bad breath, bad teeth, and probably badly in need of Viagra.

Sex After Death? Heaven Forbid!

As we slip and slide toward the inevitable, is there a senior among us who hasn't pondered the possibility of hot sex beyond those pearly gates? Eternity is a long time to go without a good roll in the hay.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Ok here is one for all the people getting snow!!

What is the difference between snowman and snow women?

*****************************snow balls**************************

Why did the snowman pull his pants down?

*************************the snow blower was coming********************


Can ya tell i have known these since High School.........lmaoooooo!!!!!!!

Lips

Why did the Gum cross the road?...


Because it was stuck on the chickens foot.. .. looool