adult jokes

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her:
"The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

heh

You guys are great with  your funnies, thank you

ba hahahahahahahahahahahaahah

lolo, excellent lips, u naughty tart

Oh...shoot...

Sorry lips and guys...I didn't get it..I feel real stupid but read it over three times and still don't get it. wae~ :'(

heh
think, because of her lisp, her Ls are Ws
so..Waura is Laura
and when she wanted to get weighed?
She wanted to get -aid

Oh...duh!

I get it now...lol

Thanks dt and slot...ha ha ha...that was a good one indeed!!!

let's hope she has a flat head so he can rest his coffee there

oh my, I believe we are in new territory, lolol

I know I shoud've put this in a picture "CAT"agory, but I thought i'd put it here since the cat in the photo is being a very NAUGHTY KITTY!



& if that photo won't come through correctly for ya maybe this 1 will.

heh

Man won the lottery and told his wife "Honey, I won the jackpot, start packing!"
"ooh", she said "Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?"
"What the Hell do I care", he said, "I just want you out!"

Thai girl


I was sitting on the bus this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."



But she did.

rough crowd...

There was an old man who fancied an attractive young woman.  Finally,  he made a move--to talk with her brother.  The old man and the woman agreed they would marry (sexual relations, etc.)--only if he could endure the cold temperatures all night (which happened to be the coldest day of they year), so he started outside, chanting "Young girl in the morning..." Midnight came, and the drizzle came down, then sleet, "Young girl in the morning..." not as loud.  About four in the morning the brother rushed out to check on the old man, who was found dead. 

Did he die of freezing to death...or did he die of a heart attack from anticipation???

lmfao max

Ok ya'all............I would just like to start off by saying that I hope that nobody gets offended by my next joke, but i'm going to tell it to ya'all anyways, 'cuz it's funny.

K, here goes.........If 2 lesbians & 2 gay men are at a hotel & leave to go to the airport at the exact same time, which couple would arrive at the airport 1st?

Well...of course the lesbians would! B'cuz they'd get their lickety-split! But  the 2 gay men would still be back at the hotel, packing their sh*t.

A man gives his mother-in-law a pair of crotchless panties. Nothing sexual just wanted her to have a better grip on her broomstick.

(Posted it in the wrong thread, thought I give these stories another shot)

                                          "Two Men Ask a Prostitute for Credit"

Funny story, this actually happened two different times at hotels I was working at: 1)  A man called in a prostitute but his debit card was maxxed out so in turn she called the police.  We were called out to the room but instead of facing the prostitition charge he pretended to act drunk and managed to get himself kicked out before the police arrived.

The other time, (years ago) I was recently hired to help balance the nightly receipts when the whole staff was fired, from the general manager on down. Turns out my supervisor had a "visitor" he was allowing to stay free for six months in a room in turn for her "services".  And the books "magically" paid for her room. I even met her once.  She called my boss "Daddy-O"

Ok, here's the final installment on Dirty Ernie. For those who have read the first 2, you are aware of the problems, associated with this child.
Today, Ernie is in kindergarten, sitting on the floor with his legs crossed, in the back of the classroom. Still makeing to little boys an girls cry.
The teacher  goes, ok kids today we're going to learn our A, B, C's. Here's how it works, we'll start with the letter A, and you kids raise your hands, I'll call one of you, and you give me a word, with that letter at the begining.  So they start with A, dirty Ernie is jumping up and down in the back of the classroom, I got one, he yells. Well the teacher knows, not to call on Ernie, he'll have a bad word. So she calls on little tommy, who answers, apple. The teacher goes, very good tommy. Dirty Ernie says apple, asshole is the word. So the the teacher then goes to the letter B, and asks, can anyone give me a word, with the letter B at the begining? Dirty ernie is jumping up and down in the back of the classroom, yea Bitch. Well the teacher isn't going to call on Ernie, she calls little suezie, and she answers banana. The teacher goes, thats fine suezie.
Well this goes on all the way through the alphabet, Ernie has a bad word for each letter. Of course the teacher hasn't called on ernie. So the teacher gets to the letter R, and none of the kids have their hands raised except Ernie. The teacher, ( thinking to herself, there isn't a bad word with the letter R at the begining) calls on ernie. Ernie answers Rat. the teacher goes, thats very good Ernie. Ernie goes yea, A big goddamn rat, with a tallywacker a half a foot long

Two Guys check in...a true story

I was working the front desk for the overnight shift at a hotel eight years ago.  There were these two guys who only had one Driver's License and were renting a single room for the night.  Here's the twist.  They figure since one halfway favored the other (although neither were related) they could just use the one Driver's License for either guy (until the other guy found his missing license.  I was supposed to recognize who they were, yet obviously each had a different name.)  Mind you no one else on the desk knew their secret.  Both strutted proudly away "cruising the streets for chicks" as they told me. 

hahahah...very interesting joke.

thanks for sharing...keep sharing more..I'm waiting...

cheers!

Legend of the Golden Bears...based on a true story.

While I was working the overnight shift at a hotel, my manager gives me the option to not work the upcoming weekend.  Why?  The Golden Bears were coming.  About 400 homosexual men who weigh 300 pounds or more.  And they had rented about 90% of the hotel and are known to engage in lude acts in public (as well as dress scantilly to impress one another   ).  As the story goes, there was a scuffle between two of the "Bears" over the security guard (who was straight).  The war over this guy got so heated there was possible damage.  The management finally stepped in.  The agreement was the Golden Bears could continue coming only if they didn't fraternize with the staff or other guests.

Upon hearing this story I quickly declined to work that weekend

Well, there once was a penguin. He liked to cruise up and down the icy roads in the South Antartic. One day he was driving into town when his car started acting up. He stopped at a station and told the mechanic to look at it.

Meanwhile he gets a hankering for ice cream (Penguins love ice cream) so he goes over there and orders some. But being a Penguin, he has flippers and ends up getting it all over his beak and face.

Finally, he finishes what he can and goes back to the shop. The mechanic comes to him and says:

"Looks like you blew a seal"

"No" The penguin replies hotly "That's ICE CREAM!"

The Job Interview--a true story

I was interviewing with a prospective employer about their overnight night audit position at a hotel.  He was explaning the job description, etc and then he asked what would co-workers say I'm known for.  "My jokes" I replied.  "Oh, he said, give me one..."  Alright here goes.  "A man was interviewing for a job and going over the job description..pays 6/hour and after 9 months will pay 9/hour....finally the applicant said "Tell you what sir, I'll leave now and come back in 9 months for the 9/hour rate...haha isn't that funny?"

The prospective employer said "Hmmm, you were doing so well up to this point.  You really didn't need the joke..."

Needless to say I never heard from him again.  

Ugh,Joseph...

That's not a funny but a sad one. :'(
I am sorry that the guy didn't take the joke as it was suppose to be taken, as merely trying to lightening the mood and all.
Sometimes, people really don't know how to digest jokes.

Wish you have a better chance in the future. :'X

The "Group Hug Guys"--A true story

It was 21 years ago when I just started attending college and moved away from my parents.  Not knowing my way around a new city I struck up a conversation with a local who invited me to his church.  Seemed innocent enough so I went.  Turns out the guy had five male roomates that had a 'tradition'--The Group Hug.  Anytime when one felt down he could always count on his roomies for this particular activity.  At the time he introduced me to his friends they insisted I take part.  "Ok..guys...Group Hug..." the guys would drop everything and run to one another and hug everone with a tight squeeze "Mmmm"...I wasn't sure, but I went along with...ok, that's done, whew.  Five minutes later, another guy was feeling down and needed his hugs.  Reluctantly I gave the fellows another hug.  I asked the guy I struck up the conversation with at first "Do you have a girlfriend?"..."No, he replied, but I'm working on it----Group Hug Guys?"  as they embraced again.  As quickly as I could, I finally managed to get home, exhausted and grateful...

Yup, you need to make a new thread, with your experiences. Cause they don't belong here!

Talk to Lips, Rico

How does a man know when he has reached the age of being a full blown adult and can no longer blame poor decisions on "growing up"?

After he's been seriously hurt by accidentally sitting on his own balls...

Funny to some,
painful to others
and unfortunately true.

A man walks up to the bartender and says, "I bet you $100 dollars that I can stand on your bar and leak into a jar without spilling a drop."
The bartender laughs and tells him that is it such an impossible bet, he'll take it. So the man stands up on the bar, and cheering to his friends in the back, begins to leak.
He not only misses the jar, but doesn't even get a single drop in. He pisses all over the bar and floor and over the bartender. When he is done the bartender is still laughing and asks the man to give him the hundred bucks. The man hands over the money and smiles at the bartender.
The bartender asks him what is so funny when he just obviously lost so badly. The man replies, " I just bet my friends $1000 that I could leak all over you and your bar and not only would you not mind, but you would find it hilariously funny!".

What's the difference between Monica Lewinski & a vending machine???

In a vending machine, the BILL goes in FACE UP!

EEEK! Tough crowd out there.......I guess nobody thought that joke was as funny as I did.