adult jokes

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on
shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and
puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger boobs'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your boobs for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make them bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your a$$' says the boyfriend.

LMAO   Brilliant

Hah ha ha...what a smart a$$ 

what do u see when the pillsbury doughboy bends over? Ans: "Doughnuts!"

ha ha ha...
I've got one for ya too,stdmuff.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow. 

A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.
He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."
She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"
He replied, "Thank God!"

Good ones stdmuff, Nan and Johnny.

I got one in an email tonight but I think it's a bit too rude to post here.

blue

This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his surprise, a genie flies out. "Oh master," it says, "your wish is my command."

Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands, "give me a willie that touches the floor." Whereupon both his legs fell off.

Haha, great one Froggy!

A friend had just txt this joke to me now,

A wife said to her husband "how would you describe me?"
Husband replies "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,

Wife confused asked "and whats that suppose to mean?

Husband said "your Awesome, Beatiful, Cute, Divine, Elegant, Funny, Gorgous, and hot

Wife says "oh honey thats so sweet but you forgot i,j,k

Husband replies "IM JUST KIDDING

And i think you know what happens after that (slap.slap)

Haha, nice one Keza!

Heh heh - I like that Keza.  Very clever.

blue

Heard this 1 the other day & thought it was purty funny.

What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit???

You gonna eat that?

Heheeee! Sick & Twisted, but funny as heck.

lmaoooooooo that's a good one luvkitty. Maybe with a bun and a bit of mustard it could be tasty.

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

Two drunk Americans were speeding down a deserted road in the Philippines

Drunk1: Are there any penguins in the tropics?

Drunk2: I don't think so.

Drunk1: Then I think we just squished a nun!

Two frat boys were lost at sea aboard a life raft. On the fourth day, a mermaid came out of nowhere and offered to grant them one wish.

The frat boys thought hard until one shouted, "I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And their wish came true.

After they swam and drank in the sea of beer, the other boy shouted, "great, now we have to pee in the boat!"

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. 

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!

There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers

Wife: Darling, yesterday night I saw a wonderful dream - you were sending me expensive clothes and jewelry. Husband: Yeah, and I saw your dad paying the bill.

What is green and sits crying in the corner?

The incredible Sulk.

What is the longest word in the English language?  - «  ». Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

2 cannibals are eating a old clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

There was a hillbilly named Shaw, who envied his maw and his paw.

To share in their life, he adopted his wife. 

And became his old father-in-law.

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Very much in the subject.

Woow I typed "old". It's supposed to be "own" father-in-law.

What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ? 1) You only get laid once. 2) You only get eaten once. 3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water. 4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys. 5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.

Husband: "Darling, you look very different today. Do you have a new hairstyle? "
-
Wife: "Honey, I'm over here."

Once Bernard Shaw dropped the phrase that all women are corrupt. The English Queen heard that and when meeting Shaw, asked him: «Is it true, sir, that you are saying that all women are corrupt?» «Yes, Your Majesty.» — And me too?! — exclaimed the queen indignantly. «And you too, Your Majesty,» Shaw said calmly. «And how much am I worth?» asked the queen. «Ten thousand pounds» Shaw said at once. — What, so cheap?! The queen resented. «You see, you are already bargaining about the price,» the playwright smiled.

A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:«Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!» «Please don’t speak so loudly, sir,» said the waiter, «or everyone will want one.»

«George, darling, what is it about me you find so attractive? Is it my personality?» «No.» «Is it my figure?» «No.» «Is it my charisma?» «No.» «I give in.» «That’s it!»

-Girl, but let's sleep together a couple of times, and there, you see, and life will want to live together!
-Maybe, and will have to ...

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have. He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse." One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

So Mummar walks up to Honest Ali's Camel Bazaar.

He tells Ali "I need a camel that can travel 400 miles of desert without a drink."

Ali, " I have one Camel you may not want him thought"

Mummar "Can he travel 400 miles?

Ali "Yes"

Mummar " I'll take him"

Ali"But.."

Mummar "I said I will take him, now get him."

Ali gets the camel and as mummar starts to leave on his camel. Ali Yells Read the Manual first.

Mummar ignore hims and heads for the desert. A hundred miles into the trip the camel stops.

Mummar does everything he can to get him to start walking with no avail. Without any recourse, he looks in the owner's Manual.He readS: This model Camel can travel 1000 of miles but it needs special maintenance of a manual stimulation every 100 miles.

Mummar curses out loud, "Does it F'kin expect to masterbate it?" As he says that the Camel starts nodding his head yes. Having already tried everything and realizing nobody is going to see him. He perfoms the "special Maintenance"

He gets on the camel and they go another hundred miles, the camel stops again.

Mummar gets off the camel and starts to coax him to move, but realizes it is pointless, so he reluctanly reaches under the camel performs the "Special Maintenance".

Afterwards he gets back on the came only to have it stop another 100 miles.

At this point he is resigned to what he needs to do. He dismounts and starts to put his hand under the camel, but the camel steps away and shakes his head no. Mummar tries again and the camel does the same thing. He walks to the front of the Camel and says "What you mean no?"

The Camel makes an oval shape with his mouth and bobs his head up and down.

Moral: Always read the manual before you operate the item.

The guy with the blonde makes love. Suddenly she asks:
-Are you wearing a condom?
-No, why?
-And suddenly you have AIDS?
- Yes, I do not have AIDS ... Do not worry.
-Thank God! I would not like to get it a second time!

In the cafe conversation of two guys:
-How's it on the love front? Appeared who?
-No anyone, I'm ready to sleep with a toad ...
At the next table girls:
-Kva-kva, kva-kva, kva-kva ...

«Medicine won’t help you at all, — the doctor told his patient. — What you need is a complete change of living. Get away to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more fruit, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just cigar a day».
A month later the patient walked into the doctor’s office. He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so.
«Yes, doctor, your advice certainly did the business. I went to bed early and did all the other things you told me. But, I say, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. It’s no joke starting to smoke at my time of life».

Meeting are two cowboys ...
-I have the fastest hand in the Wild West!
-I prefer women!

 A man goes to the doctor complaining about his sex life.  The doctor tells to eat right, lose wieght and exercise more.

two months later the man goes back to the doctor.  'Doc thanks for the advice, my sex life has never been better, I have had sex four times since my alst visit.   The doc says "That does not sound like a lot.  Priest replys "For priest in a small country parish it is!"

-I have before sex with a woman dizzy.
-Stranno ... And what do you do with a woman before sex?
-Like what? I'm inflating she ...

An admiral is standing at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe* walking by.

«Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?»

«Sure, buddy,» says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

«That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?»

«No, sir!»

Two men are sitting on the river bank, they are fishing. To one another he says:
-Wanya, you sleep with my wife you go. It's not good ...
He exclaims:
-Petya, I dont understand! Your wife say - its good, you say its not good ...

A bewhiskered American farmer was once a passenger in a crowded trolley-bus.
A little rather stout man trying to reach a strap, caught hold of the farmer’s beard.
The farmer exclaimed indignantly: — Will you kindly take your paws away from my beard?
— What’s the matter, mister? — said the aggressive little man. — Are you getting off?

-How do you think ... When a man and a woman are engaged in love, who is more pleasant?
-Of course, a woman!
-Why?
-And you, when in the ear picking, who is more pleasant - finger or ear?