adult jokes

Lips, tell me if this is ok?
OK, here we go, This is about a down an out salesman, whos lost, and comes across a farmer, with a daughter, way out in the middle of nowhere. The salesman is hungary, tired, just miserable, with no sales. He explains his situation to the farmer, and the farmer invites him into his farm house, for a nice hot meal, which his daughter prepares.
The salesman is of course extremely gratefull for the good meal, and tells the farmer, boy if I could only get a good nights rest, I'd feel like a million dollars tomorrow, and I know my sales would get going again. The farmer goes, why sure. Heres what we do, this is only a 2 bedroom farm house, I sleep in one room, and my daughter, sleeps in the other. So you'll have to sleep with my daughter. The salesman stops to think, ( he's going to let me sleep with his daughter?) The farmer continues, I realize your going to want to have your way with her, and thats ok, just don't mention the names of any animals. the salesman, can hardly believe what he's hearing. The salesman, of course agrees, and says to himself, don't mention the names of any animals.
So it's getting near bed-time, the farmer goes to his room, and the salesman and daughter go to theres. The daughter strips down, and the salesman takes his close off too. The daughter then points at the salesmans crotch, and goes, whats that. the salesman goes, whats what. The daughter goes that, the thing between your legs. the salesman, ( forgetting about

not nameing any animals) says thats my Duck. Theres a couple minutes of silence, and then you here the salesman screaming and running out of the house, (HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA). The farmer comes running into his daughters bedroom, and asked what happened, the daughter tells the father what happened, that the salesman told her, the thing between his legs was a Duck, the farmer goes, oh no, what did you do, the daughter goes, well I smashed it's eggs, and buned it's nest

OK, this well known DJ was out at a county fair and met this very impressionable listener who said she's like to get to know him better. So, he takes her to a secluded area, drops his pants and says (Pointing to his equipment) "Know what that is?" He says. "Sure do" the girl replies. "Then get started" The Dj says. Girl drops to her knees and takes him in her hand and then says "I'd like to let all my friends out in the group I'm on the radio!"

President Obama walks onto the White House lawn on a snowy winter morning....fresh snow has fallen during the night.  As he strolls along he is shocked to see written with URINE in the snow "Joe Biden For President 2012."

Boiling mad, Obama immediate calls the Secret Service to launch an all-out investigation.

After a few days, the head of the Secret Service calls in the President and asks him to have a seat.  "Mr. President, we have finished the investigation."  "Very good" says Obama, "what did you discover?"  "Sir, I am afraid I have bad news.  The urine IS that of Joe Biden's, but the news gets worse."

"What could be worse?!?" Obama replies.  "Well, says the head of the Secret Service, while it IS Joe's urine, the really bad news is it's Michelle's hand writing!"

Too too funny!!! Rico it is just fine! Clean yet adult. You gave me a good giggle!! Ya'll did.

Lips

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's a jerk," John said. "Pee on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.


Lips

Survival tip

What do you do when you come across a bear?

You apologize and wipe it off

LUV THIS!!!!!!  

Ok now i am settin myself up here! Maybe chilly will agree with me on this one......but i don't get it!!!

Ummm..... I didn't get it myself @ first...... ummm...let's see here...how 2 put this.........er..... ahem... emphasize the 7th word .......

Huh?...hmmm...trying to figure out why it is supposed to be funny...

And,Lips...that was a real good one...I laughed.
What a smart woman!!!

Okay,here is one.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Tinmanfan, I can't believe they didn't get it........HAHAHAHA! That is too funny!!! Even more funny than the joke was.

Tinmanfan, I can't believe they didn't get it........HAHAHAHA! That is too funny!!! Even more funny than the joke was.
[/quote
luvkitty. I can only imagine, (with udder delight) how you must treat your men, you naughty, naughty young lady.
What do you do to them? take them out of a closet, beat em with a straw broom, or whatever might be available, ( u know, get the cob webs off em), then use them and abuse em, untill there nothing but a limp wet noodle, then throw them back in the closet, until your ready for them again?
I grieve, ( only for a second), then I get goose bumps going up an down my spine, thinking of what you must be like.
Keep the informative posts cumin. Oh sorry, comeing. I can't think straight.

                          Rico

Ummm..... I didn't get it myself @ first...... ummm...let's see here...how 2 put this.........er..... ahem... emphasize the 7th word .......

Ah i think i get it now......lmaoooo!! Thanks for telling me so eloquently!

LMFAO @ These jokes.. ahahha.. okay here's one.. and LMAO some more, i didn't get it either until i emphasized..

A father and son were on a walk and saw 2 dogs doin' it.. the son asks "Father what are they doing?" The Father a little embaressed but quickly answers "they are making puppies".. Later that week, the son walks in on his father and mother in the bedroom, the son asks" Father what are you doing?" the father embaressed again answers quickly, "we're making babies".. the son brightly and quickly answers back.. "well turn her over, i want puppies!!!"

A ya ya ya...

I still don't get it...
I even tried to emphasize the 7th word but have no clue...
Guess I am just gonna move on...

ok, nan,........the seventh word is come, ( as in sexual explosion, right?) so you have a sexual explosion on a big ol bear. theres about 1 of 3 things that can happen.1) He's gonna gobble you up, 2) your gonna run like hell, 3) you can say excuse me, and wipe it up. 

Oh nan you are too precious! Imagin that is too damn cute!!! You guys are killin me!

If I may, heres a triology of jokes, about one, Dirty Ernie.
You'll have to let me know if u want to here the other 2.
OK here's the setting, 1920's, times we're still good, no great depression yet, things we're simple, but kids we're still kids. Dirty Ernie, comes from a jilted family, the fathers a drunk, the mother has to work 2 jobs, so they have a roof over there head, an keep food on the table. At school, (Ernie of course picking up all the bad habits at home) swears at the the little kids he goes to school with, makes them cry, cusses out the teachers, and just makes everyone miserable. he always has to stand at the end of the girls line, as they march into the classroom, or off to the cafeteria, for lunch.
The faculty, and administration have attempted to call his parents, with no luck. They receive more of the fowl language and threats from the parents, basically it's a no win situation. He has to be seated at the back of the classroom, so the rest of the kids, might have a chance to learn something, even with Ernie always complaining, swearing, etc.
So on a uneventful morning so far, the teacher is at the head of the class attempting to teach some type of lesson to the kids, Ernie's at the back of the class, pulling little girls hair, swearing, not paying attention to the teacher, looking out the classroom window, when an abandoned dog, attempts to cross the street. Well unfortunately, an old model A comes chugging down the road, and hits the dog. The cars of that time, had those hand cranks, to get started.
Dirty Ernie starts jumping up and down, in the back of the classroom, waving his hand. TEACHER, TEACHER, he's yelling. The teacher thinks for a moment, what does this child want now.
She goes, yes Dirty Ernie, what is it?
Ernie answers, teacher a dog just ran out in the middle of the road, a car hit the dog, and the crank of the car went right up the dogs asshole. The teacher replies, Dirty Ernie, you don't say asshole, you say rectum.
Dirty Ernie goes, rectum, HELL IT KILLED HIM

U r just 2 damn funny   You're killin' me here!!!!

I gotta say this is one of the BEST DAMN ideas anyone has come up with 4 a topic!!!!!!!       

I'm with ya Tinmanfan. These are awesome!

well I didn't get any nah's, on the first Dirty Ernie, and I have time to type, so heres the second installment, of the pathetic prankster.
OK Dirty Ernie has been sent back to the first grade, and we all know why. Uncontrollable outbursts, not attempting to do any of the assignments, behavior unbecoming a child of his youth, etc. Faculty and administration, are looseing sleep at night, trying to figure out, what to do with this child.
So again on an uneventful morning so far, the teacher marches the kids into the classroom, Ernie's at the end of the girls line, pulling little girls poney tails, cussing at the little boys and girls, makeing them cry, while the teacher is attempting to get the class, in some sort of order.
After everyone is in, an seated, the teacher goes, ok kids, today we're going to learn all about the different types of meat we eat. Heres how it works. You can see the little blind folds I put out on your desks, you put those on, and I'll pass around different types of meat, you taste the samples I pass out, and if you think you know what type of meat it is, raise your hands, and you can guess. If your answer is wrong, I keep calling a student, untill we get the correct answer.
Dirty Ernie's in the back of the classroom, laughing an careing on, saying, shit, at least I'll get a free meal, out of this.
So the teacher passes out chicken first, well that was pretty easy, little Lisa raises her hand and guessed that right away. Thats very good Lisa the teacher replies, Dirty Ernie's going not so fast, as he hasn't finished his sample, and the 3 samples, he took from 3 other kids, makeing them cry.
So the next sample was stake, and that was also pretty easy. Bobby, answered that right away.
So the lesson is going along pretty good, the kids are learning about there meats, Dirty Ernie, is makeing a glutten of himself, stealing other kids samples, and filling up on food. But otherwise, not to loud.
So the teacher says to herself, I'm going to try and fool the kids, so she passes out venassin, deer meat. she goes, ok kids, can anyone guess what this is, Well it's obvious, that not to many kids are going to know what deer meat is. Dirty Ernie's in the back of the classroom, with his mouth full, chompin away, (mmmm). and none of the kids could answer. So the teacher gives out a clue. What does your mother call your father, everyday when they come home from work, ( as in, high dear). Dirty Ernie thinks for a moment, with his mouth full, what does my father call my mother, when they see each other in the afternoon, after work? He spits out his food, in the middle of the classroom, and hollars, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SHE FED US AN ASSHOLE

Ok, it has come down to this huh? I have finally resorted to posting a dirty joke due to the almost nonexistant NDBs. Well ricorizzo, u said u were anticipating a reply from me on this particular thread, so...............here u go.

THERE'S A HORSE & A CHICKEN WALKING ACROSS A FIELD. ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE HORSE FALLS IN A BIG HOLE. HE SAYS TO THE CHICKEN "GO FETCH THE FARMER!" SO THE CHICKEN GOES TO THE FARM, BUT THE FARMERS NOT ANYWHERE AROUND, BUT NOTICES HIS BMW IS. SO HE JUMPS INTO THE FARMERS BMW, DRIVES IT TO THE HOLE, TIES A ROPE TO THE BUMPER & PULLS THE HORSE TO SAFETY. THE NEXT DAY THEY ARE WALKING ACROSS THE FIELD AGAIN & THIS TIME THE CHICKEN FALLS INTO THE HOLE. HE SHOUTS "GO FETCH THE FARMER!", BUT THE HORSE SAYS "HOLD ON A MINUTE, I THINK I CAN REACH U. GRAB AHOLD OF MY D*CK!" THE CHICKEN GRABS HIS D*CK & THE HORSE PULLS HIM TO SAFETY.

WHATS THE MORAL OF THE STORY!?!?!
IF YOU'RE HUNG LIKE A HORSE, YOU DON"T NEED A BMW TO PICK UP CHICKS.

LOVE THAT JOKE! HEHEHE

ah luvkitty, thats a good one, keep em cumin. Oh sorry, comeing. lol

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!”

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass.”

GOOD 1 lips!

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

This list was never ending but here's a few funnies:

HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAKERS knead it daily.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DIETICIANS eat better.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

An elderly nun was sitting with another elderly nun on a park bench reading books
A flasher came by and opened his coat
The poor old nun had a stroke
Her friend would have too but she couldnt reach

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

how many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two...I don't know how they go in there but I can hear them doing it

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. ..............
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

Ha ha ha!!!

I had to share this one with my hubby...

Thanks, luvkitty!

A sad day occurred in the big city. Three men accosted and then sexually abused a nun. The Mother Superior rushed to the hospital to see what she could do. She talked with a nurse who told her that the surgeons were the best and the nun would be ok.

"Surgeons!" The Mother Superior exclaimed. "Why does she need surgeons?"

"Ma'am" The nurse replied "They are trying to get that smile off her face"

A newlywed couple had their honeymoon trip delayed by one day. So they stayed at the brides home. After a bit, they realized that the brides parents were listening to them. So they decided to leave quietly.

One of the suitcases though, wouldn't close. The bride said "I'll sit on it" The Groom said "No I will sit on it" The bride then said "Let's BOTH sit on it"

The brides father ripped open the door shouting "This I GOTTA SEE!"

After a long month of hard work, three friends decided to take their girlfriends on a week-long vacation in Las Vegas to have some fun in the casinos. The couples had a blast and the week flew by. When they arrived back home the friends got together for a drink and reminisced about the trip.

The first friend said, “I hate it! My girlfriend played craps all week and now all she does is swing her arms and yell ‘7 come 11′ all night. I haven’t had a good night sleep in days!”
The second buddy says, “I know exactly what you’re going through, my girlfriend played blackjack and now she just bangs the bed all night and shouts ‘hit me light or hit me hard’, and I can’t get any sleep either!”

The third guy, who looks both sore and tired, says, “That’s nothing compared to what I’m going through! My girlfriend played the slots and every morning I wake up with a sore stick and an a$$ full of dimes!



Lips

lips lolo, hey we havn't chatted n a few. Hope everything is groovy, and have a great new year.
                                      Rico
                                   

A single father calls the emergency hotline:
"Oh my God, hurry up and get here, my 3 year old son has swallowed a condom!!!"
"Calm down sir, now tell me..."
"Oh wait, never mind. I found another one"

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of tequila," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

LMAO dtsweet. That's super funny!

good one DT! ..............froggy, you naughty naughty girl, lololololol

Lmao...

I can't stop laughing...those are too funny!!!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.....

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

ROFL that's a good one 

A man goes to the bartender:
"Line me up six tequila shots"
"That's alot..." starts the bartender but...
"Just do it", says the man.
slam slam slam slam slam slam, go all the drinks
"Again, line them up", says the man.
"That's alot of alcohol.." begins the bartender
"Do it" says the man and the bartender lines them up
slam slam slam slam slam slam  go the drinks
"Again!"
"Now, wait a.." begins the bartender.
"Again"
So the bartender grudgingly lines them up
slam slam slam slam slam slam
"Again" says the man.
"No", says the bartender. "That's alot of alocohol for one man to drink"
"You'd drink like that if you had what I had", says the man.
"Oh, I'm sorry" says the bartender taken aback. "If I may, what do you have?"
"75 cents", says the man

:P

AHHAHAHAHAHAHHA, TEEEHEEEE I am over here howling in laughter!